


Animal Planet

by hitokiridarkempress



Category: Doctor Strange (2016), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bottom Tony, Crack, Deer!Tony is a baby and loves his mama, Do not repost, Humor, Jealousy, M/M, Nick Fury is Not Amused, Not Beta Read, Rhodey is mama, Stephen is an idiot when it comes to his tiny mate, Stephen never gives up, Stephen only has 1 brain cell and uses it to be horny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:00:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26326030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hitokiridarkempress/pseuds/hitokiridarkempress
Summary: Nick Fury hates his job as an animal conservationist. He did not sign up to see a tiny deer and crippled jaguar go at it like it's mating season in the Serengeti.Deer!Tony and Jaguar!Stephen pretty much makes Nick Fury's life hell.
Relationships: James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark, Tony Stark/Stephen Strange
Comments: 88
Kudos: 268
Collections: Numerous OTPS Infinite Fandoms





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Blame TD’s wonderful art for this crack.

Nick Fury hates his job.

Yes, animal conservation is important and is vital to the natural ecosystem. Yes, the poor endangered animals were here first. And yes, zoos help with the wildlife conservation effort with rehabilitation and release. And…yes, certain animals bring in a lot more donation money.

That does not mean he has to like the damn things.

Especially the damn deer.

He fucking hates that deer. That stupid little runt is a giant pain in his ass. His herd kicked him out when he was young, and he can’t survive on his own. So, like any endangered animal, the deer gets his own habitat and is spoiled rotten by the caretakers. They even named him Anthony, or Tony for short. That little bastard always manages to escape his habitat and runs wild all over the damn zoo. It acts more like a hyperactive dog than a deer. He knows that the damn thing likes to snuggle up to James Rhodes for some weird reason. One of these days he’ll finally get eaten by one of the big cats he likes antagonize.

And speaking of big cats, there’s another animal he hates. It’s this one uppity jaguar with bad front paws who keeps scaring off the caretakers. Only Wong is able to deal with him. Though he does not condone Wong for purposely putting the animal’s food right above the small lake; and laugh when the jaguar plunges in after trying to nab the chicken. Of course, the cat has to have a name that spells fancy. Stephen is another animal he just hates. He’s always acting like he’s better than everyone else, and he doesn’t like the looks that cat is giving him.

And of course it’s the one animal that the goddamned deer likes to hang out with.

How the fuck that runt managed to get inside the enclosure without anyone knowing is a mystery. Even weirder is that the jaguar isn’t even trying to eat him. Eh, not his problem. If the jaguar decides to eat his ass, it’s what God intended. It’s only natural that predators eat their prey and who’s he to say otherwise?

THAT IS NOT WHAT GOD INTENDED!

“YOU LEAVE THAT POOR DEER ALONE!”

He expected the jaguar to just eat his ass, not eating his ass out! But no, that stupid cat is licking and rubbing his damn face all over the deer’s rump. Just because he hated that deer, doesn’t mean the thing deserved to be violated like that. And Tony isn’t even trying to escape; he just lies there with his tongue hanging out. As soon as the jaguar sees him, that fucking thing is staring at him while lapping his tongue on the deer’s hind quarters just daring him to do something.

It was satisfying to tranq the smug bastard and drag his ass in a cage. Rhodes has the hard task of roping the poor traumatized deer and getting him to the vet to get looked at. At least there’s no damage, though he’s walking with a slight limp. Guess he’ll have to put Rhodes to look after the deer for a few days. At least it will be a nice and quiet week.

…one of these days he’ll shoot that stupid cat and mount his head on his wall.

The damned thing wouldn’t stop crying, and no amount of treats would get him to shut up. It’s fucking depressing. He just lies there and cries like a bitch. And no, they can’t put him in with the other big cats. They tried, dealing with distraught tourists over looking at a jaguar fight leaving one half-dead and the other trying to attack the caretakers is not something he wants to repeat.

Miserable little bastard, it can stay in that isolated enclosure for all he cares, he’s going home.

He should have stayed home.

How the ever-loving fuck Tony managed to escape, and pick the damn lock to the restricted space is beyond anybody. But most importantly, he wants to stab his remaining eye out just so he doesn’t have to see the horrible sight that’s being burned into his retina.

Stephen is mounted on top of the small little deer and just railing him like no tomorrow. Even worse is hearing how loud Tony is during mating. Fuck this shit, he’s heading to the nearest bar and get shit-faced. Let the caretakers handle it. And if researchers want to study this sick coupling, they can damn well pay for his retirement package.

Fuck his life.


	2. The Rival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mama Rhodes vs Jag!Stephen for Deer!Tony's affections. Who would win?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because the image of Rhodey bottle-feeding Deer!Tony and treating him like a baby and a jealous Jag!Stephen is hilarious and I need it in life.
> 
> And today is my birthday, so I figured to do something nice.

The Rival

James Rhodes wonders how this is his life as he prepares Tony’s meal.

Being a caretaker at a zoo certainly isn’t the most glamorous thing in the world, but he likes taking care of the animals. He’s well respected in his job and he likes to think he’s making a difference in the world.

Though somehow ending up becoming the “mother” of a small deer was not in the job description. Neither was becoming a lifelong “rival” of one mean ass jaguar who keeps trying to bite his ass whenever he shows up at the cat’s enclosure. But, somehow he’s making a decent living and he finds out that he doesn’t mind being the sole caretaker of one adult deer that for some unknown reason is still acting like a fawn.

To be fair, Tony wasn’t weaned off before his herd kicked him out. And he was the only one Tony would feel safe to drink from the bottle. So yeah, he’s unofficially Tony’s mama. That and Tony keeps making the mom calls and never stopped.

At least Tony can be cute at times, always following him around the zoo. Helping out with a few live demos, and playing it up on camera for Youtube. Even though Tony is a grown ass deer, he’s still on the runty side and behaves like a giant scared baby whenever he has to have his check-up or get his necessary shots. He finds out that holding the poor thing, giving him belly rubs, and bottle-feeding him strawberry goat milk or some smoothie makes Tony much more docile. Honestly, it’s like taking care of a big giant kitten. Only this kitten has hooves and horns.

Now if only he can deal with that mean ass jaguar Stephen.

Everyone and their mother knew what happened between Stephen and Tony from what Fury was cursing on about for a few hours. He didn’t see it, but he thought Tony and Stephen were just weird buddies on the opposite side of the food chain instead of …you know.

Ok, so Tony and Stephen are a thing. Eh, at least they’re happy. If only Stephen can stop giving him the stink eye and roaring every time he walks by the enclosure.

It’s real funny to see Tony and Stephen snuggled up to each only to have Tony suddenly pull away and come running back to him asking for pets. Of course, that meant getting chased by one pissed offed jaguar coming at him full speed. Thank God for Wong.

It’s not his fault that Tony likes him more.

And that is exactly why Stephen keeps attacking the glass when Tony is having his head on his lap enjoying a belly rub. Ok, so he’s rubbing it in a little. Even better, Stephen is a bit slow on the uptake. Every time Stephen tries to chase him out, Tony leaves his ass for “mama,” Tony gets plenty of chin scratches, fresh fruit, and the occasional bottle in return, and Stephen would just sulk all day until the next day, and they’ll do it all over again.

He ain’t too mad; he got his diamond play button because of this jealous idiot.

James sees the strange pair just napping, and starts to get near the enclosure. Tony wakes up first and instantly frolics around and wags his tail. Stephen is still asleep, thank fuck.

“Come on Tony! Time to eat! I got some blueberries…”

With that, Tony instantly races towards the door as soon as he heard, “blueberries.” James is heading toward the door when suddenly Stephen pounced on Tony fully pinning him under his weight. Squeals are heard and James is about to call on his radio for backup thinking Stephen finally had enough of Tony.

Only to see Stephen trying to mount Tony and staring straight at him while doing it.

‘This mother-’

Tranquilizing a jaguar never felt so satisfying.

"Come on Tony, let Stephen nap. Let's clean you up first and I got a smoothie for you."

The next day, Stephen is already scratching the glass once he sees Tony's head on James' lap. Mama Rhodes : 32 Mean Ass Jaguar: 0 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews are nice or at least check out my other Ironstrange works.


	3. The Mean One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I miss tiny deer Tony and Stupid Jaguar Stephen. Here's more of their shenanigans. 
> 
> Enter Wong.

The Mean One

Wong doesn’t really care for his job. It pays the bills and he doesn’t have to interact with that many people. Still, being an animal caretaker is a thankless job and frankly it’s a bit tedious. It is also quite boring, if he’s being honest with himself.

Luckily, he has his own ways of keeping himself entertained.

Enter stupid Stephen.

Despite Stephen’s species being highly intelligent, Stephen is actually quite stupid. Mostly due to his unnatural attraction to the tiny deer that he’s claimed as his mate. He doesn’t know why and he doesn’t care. Because frankly, it’s not his business and he’s not too overly attached like his friend Rhodes. He’s not anyone’s mother and he likes to keep it that way.

And that is exactly why Stephen is often wary of him…good.

Now if only Stephen can stop concussing himself, it would mean a lot less yelling from the higher ups.

Like any other day, Rhodes would complain that Tony is being a handful and doesn’t want to get inside to get his check-ups. Of course, being the good friend that he is, suggested to just give the deer a swat on his rump to get him to move along. Spanking is a perfectly good form of discipline, and anyone else who disagrees has never met his grandmother.

Spankings are the mildest of punishments. Let’s leave it at that.

Rhodes eventually did take his advice, and the video was glorious.

“Tony! Come on, time for your check-up!” A hand gave a light swat on the rump.

“Whah!”

THUMP!

The video zooms in on an unconscious jaguar lying next to the laminated glass.

The video gained 10 million views.

Eh, Stephen was fine. Just put a few painkillers in his food and he’ll be right as rain. Besides, the vet already checked him. Rhodes just has to be out of Stephen’s view for a while.

Bullshit, Rhodes just made Tony wear a sweater that’s made from his old uniform. What a petty man…he respects that.

He almost feels sorry for Stephen…almost.

A week later, Wong doesn’t feel sorry at all. And he’s starting to see why Rhodes doesn’t like Stephen.

Staring at the ripped sweater lying on the ground only to see that stupid jaguar spooning and grooming the tiny deer meant he has to clean up the mess. And that stupid jaguar isn’t in any hurry to get out of the runty deer anytime soon.

Fine, if Stephen wants to play the stupid game, he can have the stupid prize.

Drone plus bucket of ice cold water meet stupid couple. Profit.

Rhodes is too busy bundling up the tiny deer in blankets on the other side while Stephen is shaking off the water. Then he noticed that Stephen is staring straight at him and growled. Eh, he’s behind the glass and he feeds Stephen via drone anyway.

Next day, as Wong is coming near the door. He smells the horrible stench of piss. He turns around and sees the glass enclosure. The glass is stained yellow too.

That motherfucker.

This means war.


	4. From Delinquent to Degenerate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stephen only has 1 brain cell and uses it to be horny. Much to Fury's grief.

Fury just grabs a handful of Advil and washes it down with whiskey trying to erase the cursed images from his brain. The damn liquor store he goes to have the nerve to give him an AA help card.

This is all Wong and Rhodes’ fault. Wong for recording the cursed videos, and Rhodes for being the damn deer’s mother.

Fury hates that goddamn jaguar. The deer was bad enough, but he was just a delinquent and could be easily bribed by Rhodes. But that fucking jaguar had to ruin it. He turned that delinquent deer into a degenerate. Ever since they got together, day in and day out, that pipsqueak would sneak into the cat’s enclosure, twerk at it, and the cat would be on that ass faster than you can blink.

He should have shot him when he had the chance.

There is no way that jaguar is normal. It should have been the perfect deterrent, but no. That fucking cat still managed to do the nasty.

You see, putting Tony in a jaguar-proof diaper was a simple solution for everyone’s problems. The nasty jaguar can’t abuse the runt, the runt can finally grow the hair back on its tail, and he doesn’t have to see them go at it. It was a fantastic week because it was nice and quiet. The zoo can finally have a normal jaguar for once.

That fucker was just biding its time.

One moment he was just staring at the surveillance cams and sees a close up of Stephen just lying on his back with his tongue hanging out, ok no big dea-

FUCK NO!

WHY?!

WHY ME, LORD?!

GOD HAS FORSAKEN ME!

The shot zooms out and shows Tony, head bent down between Stephen’s hind legs suckling on what is definitely NOT a bottle of milk.

Several hours of expletives, eye washes, and bottles of liquor later. Fury curses at his life, and Stephen. Figures the only time Stephen uses his brain, it decides to be horny and won’t stop until it gets what it wants.

According to Rhodes, the cat kept looking at him funny when he was always bottle-feeding Tony. Stephen would look at the bottle, then look down at himself. Rhodes just chalks it up to one of Stephen’s many failed attempts of trying to feed Tony himself.

“He’s been trying to provide for Tony for weeks, he’s thoughtful, but stupid.” Rhodes put in his two cents.

Yes, and he knows fully damn well that Rhodes would make sure that Stephen can’t feed Tony. He saw those videos where Stephen trying to pick up a plate full of berries and failing was number 1 for a week. It was funny to see Stephen presenting an empty plate to Tony, and Rhodes showing up with a bucket of mixed fruit in one hand. No doubt who Tony chose. Is it any wonder why Stephen hates Rhodes?

He knows about their stupid ass rivalry.

Stupid cat, stupid mama bear. 

Now he has to figure out which is worse: seeing a jaguar hump a deer or watching a deer give fellatio and trying to explain that to little kids?

Fuck this shit, he ain’t drunk enough for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How Jag!Stephen convinced Deer!Tony
> 
> Jag!Stephen: Come on Tony, it's like drinking milk from the bottle!
> 
> Deer!Tony: I don't-
> 
> Jag!Stephen: Please, mate?
> 
> Deer!Tony: ...just this once
> 
> later
> 
> Deer!Tony: This is actually tasty.
> 
> Jag!Stephen: 😸😺😺😺

**Author's Note:**

> For full disclosure, I was entirely sober in writing this. 
> 
> You can yell at me here or at my Tumblr at [MetalandFood](https://metalandfood.tumblr.com/)
> 
> By the way, I really like to read reviews.


End file.
